


like a candle you burned out

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Mental Breakdown, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 19:37:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12239340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: robert's gradual breakdown, one diary entry at a time.or,They've reached a stalemate - they talk in stilted conversations, they greet each other with awkward half smiles. They can stand to be around each other now, even though not being able to reach out and touch and take makes Robert's skin crawl. They skipped this part, being friends, even before they properly got together, because it was always a matter of time.But now Robert just awkwardly asks after the books, asks after Liv as he waits. He asks about the boxing, about when he can come get the rest of his things from The Mill.Every single uncomfortable exchange makes his heart crack a little more.





	like a candle you burned out

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: there's a somewhat graphic description of a suicide attempt in this fic, along with prominent mental health issues and robert having a slow-burn mental breakdown.
> 
> title from [lullabies by all time low](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvCRswIiR14)
> 
> hope you enjoy, thank you for reading xo

_i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm_

He watches Aaron walk into the shop, head hung and shoulders hunched. He watches the look on his face, the permanent heartbreak etched into his features. He watches Adam place a supportive hand on his back, almost like he's keeping him upright. He watches from a safe distance, from behind a wall. And then when Aaron's disappeared, he turns and walks the other way.

When Diane asks what happened to the milk, he just forces a smile and tells her he forgot.

  
  


_i can't breathe without you_

The next time he sees Aaron, it's in the pub. The Dingles (plus invited extensions) are surrounding him like a human forcefield. They're keeping everyone out - mostly Robert - but he doesn't blame them. The hurt's still shining in Aaron's eyes. 

He's smiling though, for the first time in what feels like forever. Objectively, Robert knows that things weren't good between them (and isn't that even a far reach, because they were pretty fucking terrible), but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. It doesn't mean he's not waking up at three in the morning, drenched in sweat and clawing at his throat. It feels like Aaron's took all the oxygen with him when he left Robert's life.

  
  


_not waking up next to you is the worst thing_

He's taken to dozing off wherever he can. The portacabin, his car, Diane's sofa. All those places, they're small enough that Robert doesn't feel like he's surrounded by miles of empty bed. He doesn't feel like he's drowning in the space. Still, though, his hand reaches out, expects to fist into Aaron's t-shirt. He always comes up empty. 

When Victoria catches him asleep in his car, he makes up some bullshit excuse. She probably doesn't believe it - he certainly wouldn't - but then she's banging on about babies and prams, a hopeful look in her eyes that means _we need money, Rebecca needs money_ , and suddenly it doesn't matter anymore.

  
  


_i don't know how to be your friend_

They've reached a stalemate - they talk in stilted conversations, they greet each other with awkward half smiles. They can stand to be around each other now, even though not being able to reach out and touch and take makes Robert's skin crawl. They skipped this part, being friends, even before they properly got together, because it was always a matter of time. 

But now Robert just awkwardly asks after the books, asks after Liv as he waits. He asks about the boxing, about when he can come get the rest of his things from The Mill.

Every single uncomfortable exchange makes his heart crack a little more.

  
  


_i don't know how to not love you_

Aaron pulls out the chair across from him, sets two mugs on the table with a smile. "Americano," He says, offers, pushing the mug over to Robert. It's- well, it's weird, and it makes Robert ache and tingle at the same time. The conversations are less forced now, but still no less casual, and he smiles in response. Aaron tells him about Liv's new tutor, about Chas and her third attempt with DS Wise, about Leo in his school play. 

Robert nods along, laughs when he's supposed to, and ignores the dull throb that makes his entire body hurt.

  
  


_after all of this i threw you away for nothing_

In the end, the baby is born early. She's on the small side, but with no major issues, and Rebecca stays with her in hospital for eight days, six hours and twelve minutes. Not that he's counting, or anything. He's there for most of it.

In the end, it all comes to a head in the pub. Emma stands over the pram, cooing like women do over babies, while Rebecca stands to the side, smiling proudly like mothers do.

"You know, he looks just like my R-" Emma starts. And then stops. At the same time Robert's heart does.

Because the baby is three weeks old now, starting to get a smattering of dark hair - almost black, really, and Robert's wondering how the _fuck_ he didn't see it. He takes a step back from the scene just as Ross takes a step forward, hears the shouts, the cries.

Rebecca looks ashamed. Like she knew all along.

He feels Aaron's hand on his shoulder (because he'd know the shape of it anywhere, any time. He always has), but he turns.

And he runs.

  
  


_i miss you so much_

The hole in his chest is twice as big as it used to be now. He misses Aaron so much it aches, constantly, sharply. He misses the baby he never had, too. Mostly, he just misses himself.

Bex had gone, upped and left with a flurry of floaty shirts and blonde hair and not so much as an explanation. She left the baby with Ross, who at least has tried to be nice about it. He doesn't rub it in Robert's face, at least.

So he keeps himself to himself. He sits in the cafe, hands wrapped around his burning hot mug, but he doesn't feel it. Not really. He watches Victoria and Adam, newly together again, share a cookie. He watches Aaron sit opposite them, rolling his eyes.

He watches it from the table in the corner, alone. Undisturbed. With his thoughts and nothing else.

Because no one can hurt him if he doesn't let them.

  
  


_i wish i could sleep i need you next to me_

He wakes gasping and crying. He's lost count of how many nights it's been now - it could be tens, it could be hundreds. Either way, he sleeps for thirty minutes and then wakes up, sobbing and breathless, like something sitting on his throat and burrowing into his chest. 

_It's Aaron_ , a voice tells him. _You're useless without him. Nothing._

He doesn't need to be told that - he knew from the first night. 

He dreams but he doesn't remember them, just wakes with the stabbing pain of fear and loss, and ends up sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as he cries until his throat is raw. 

Victoria knows; she must do, but she doesn't mention it. She just glances at him with sad eyes and tells him he looks exhausted. He is exhausted, exhausted and sick of it and more than anything:

lonely.

  
  


_i need you i need you_

He's falling apart. His body is falling apart and his mind is falling apart and his entire fucking life is falling apart. 

He barely shows up for work, too weak to move and too sad to see Aaron. He can't bear it, sitting there while the love of his life moves on and the world keeps spinning. It feels like everything should pause. He definitely has. 

It all comes to a head one lunchtime, when Victoria finds him with his head over the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach. It's not much - half a sandwich and more than half a bottle of whiskey - but he can't stop vomiting. He retches and heaves until his stomach is burning and his eyes are watering.

"Let me call Aaron," She murmurs, a gentle hand tracing circles on his sweat-damp back. "Please let me call him." 

He wrenches back from the touch, feels like he's on fire. "No!" He gasps, scooting away from her. "If you call him then we're _done_! I mean it!" 

He does mean it. He doesn't want Aaron to see him like this, doesn't want to put his ex husband through that. He's fine on his own. He's _fine_.

Victoria looks disapproving but she doesn't say any more, just keeps rubbing his back.

Thing is, he does need Aaron.

But Aaron doesn't need him.

  
  


_i can't do this anymore i don't want to do this anymore_

He stands on the edge of the quarry. It's dark out. The lake looks black.

He remembers Aaron standing here, almost three years ago. He remembers the panic he felt when Aaron disappeared. He doesn't think anyone will feel like that about him. 

He remembers the car and freezing water. He remembers Aaron flatlining, Aaron sobbing. He remembers engagement rings and promises.

It's Aaron. It's all Aaron.

And that's why he's doing this. 

He shuffles closer to the edge, watches some loose rocks fall over. He doesn't see them hit the water and he can't hear them, either. It should scare him, but he just feels calm. 

"No!" He hears a voice scream. He knows that voice. It sounds familiar and different all at once, but he blocks it out. He knows what he's here for. " _Robert_!" 

The only thing he feels are arms around his chest, pulling him backwards. It's warm and comforting and then

everything

goes

**black**

  
  


_i'm so fucking sorry aaron_

"If you won't talk to me," The voice says. It's Aaron - he knows that now, can recognise that. But he still doesn't look at him. He sounds gentle. "At least talk to your sister."

Victoria, who's stood beside Aaron. The only noises she's making are quite sniffing sounds. He doesn't turn his head.

The walls of the hospital are white, stark and harsh. It burns his eyes. The sterile smell burns his nose. Even the water in the jug on the table burns his tongue. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He doesn't want to be here.

And he doesn't just mean the hospital. 

Victoria sighs and murmurs something to Aaron, and then he hears her footsteps squeaking out of the room.

"Robert," Aaron whispers. He moves closer. Robert can feel his body heat, can feel his callused fingers rest on the top of his hand. "You tried to- you tried to _kill yourself_. Please talk to us." 

He doesn't want to talk to them. He's said enough to the hospital's mental health team. 

He remembers Aaron laying in this bed, close to two years ago. He remembers Aaron refusing to talk to anyone, muttering responses to the man from the mental health ward. 

Once again, it's all Aaron. That's why he's here.

"I'm sorry," He chokes out, but he keeps staring at the crack in the paint. "I shouldn't be here. I was trying to do you a favour."

He hears Aaron let out a strangled sob, and a tear falls down his own cheek, but he doesn't move to wipe it away.

He keeps staring.

  
  


_i don't want your pity i want you_

It's been three weeks and four days since That Day. That's how Victoria and Aaron refer to it now, forcing the pain off their faces.

But Robert's getting better. He knows he is. He's even smiling, a little. 

Aaron's still hanging around - Robert doesn't understand that, but he takes it, because that's all he's ever wanted. Just to be close to Aaron.

Speaking of, Aaron helps him out of the car, arm around his waist even though they both know Robert can walk. He helps him into Victoria's house, helps him sit on the sofa. Brings him a cup of tea and then sits on the coffee table opposite him. Their knees knock, and Robert can feel the blush rise to his cheeks. He feels more like himself than he has for _months_.

"Robert," Aaron says carefully, slowly. Like he's trying not to frighten a wild deer. "This might not be the right time, but I need to tell you or I never will," He glances away, down at his hands. Robert sees his eyes flash down to the strip of pale skin where his wedding ring used to be. The ring itself is sitting in the box in Robert's desk drawer. Robert himself is still wearing his. "That day, when I found you... I almost lost you. For all those days you were in hospital, I was terrified that I'd lose you. I've never felt anything like it. And... I don't want that again. I want to be near you for the rest of my life. Always." He lets out a deep breath, a shaky smile on his face.

Robert's not sure if he heard right.

"You can't just- just _take me back_ so I don't try and kill myself," He snaps, slamming his mug onto the coffee table. He shrinks back, loses every point of contact with Aaron. "You don't have to be my _pity party_." 

He's being harsh, but it doesn't matter. What Aaron said hurts.

The younger man just stares at him patiently. "If you think this is me pitying you," He says, voice low and maybe tinged with sadness. "Then you don't know me. I love you, Robert, and I miss you. And we can wait if you want to, but all I know is that I want us to be together again." 

Robert blinks, lets his legs unfold. They're touching again, denim on denim, but it's still warm. "You don't want me," He whispers. "I'm crazy." He taps his temple with his index finger. He is - has the hospital wristband to prove it. Nearly four weeks on the psych ward. It's almost an achievement.

Aaron half smiles, links their fingers loosely. He gives Robert the space to breathe, to move away, but he does neither. "Aren't we all?" The younger man says simply, fingertips burning marks into Robert's palm.

  


  
It's been seven months since That Day and six since they decided to give things another go, and Robert Sugden is finally fucking happy.

Some days he still has that dark cloud hanging over him, but they're few and far between now.

He's moving back into The Mill, Aaron by his side and Liv bribed and safely at Gabby's, so they've got the house to himself. All they're doing is unpacking, though. Aaron's in the study, Robert's in the bedroom - because there's no hope in hell he'd let Aaron unpack his clothes. He can hear the younger man muttering to himself, swearing when things fall out of boxes, but then suddenly the house goes silent.

It's suspicious.

He frowns and follows the lack of noise down the hallway, stops just inside the doorframe. "What're you..." He falters off when he sees Aaron, holding a black leather notebook in his hands. _No_.

"Robert," Aaron breathes, glancing up. His eyes are swimming with tears, skin grey as his mouth turns downwards. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?" He goes back to scanning the short sentences. A tear falls onto the paper, smudging a word. 

"What was I supposed to say?" He asks softly, sitting cross-legged opposite Aaron. He's trying to be calm, kind, because that's one thing he learnt from months of weekly counselling. "You didn't want anything to do with me. I had no one to talk to, so I wrote it all down." He tries on a smile, but it doesn't fit properly. It feels too tight.

Aaron closes the book slowly, inches forward until they're touching, knee-to-knee. "I knew things were bad - I mean, they had to be, but I didn't realise they were _that_ bad. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't talk to me." 

Robert smiles again, this time properly - but cautiously. "It's alright," He says, because it is. It is now, after however many months. It's finally okay. _He's_ okay. "I think I'm better for it, actually. I mean, it's not something that people say, but I feel stronger now that I know I can handle it. And I've got you now, haven't I?" 

"Yeah," Aaron says roughly, blinking a few times. "Yeah, you do. You know you can talk to me? Whenever things get bad, about anything. I'm here for you, and I'll always listen." 

"I know," Robert whispers. He rises to his knees and leans forward, cups Aaron's jaw in his palm and presses their foreheads together. "I know, and I love you too. But I'm better now." And he presses the chastest of kisses to Aaron's lips, means every word he says.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ [aarobron](http://aarobron.tumblr.com/) xo


End file.
